getting scared

Surgery is 2 and a half weeks away. There are so many emotions running through me right now. Sometimes I just lay in bed and wish this would all go away. I feel great. I don’t feel like I have cancer but I do. Once they remove the cancer, I will have 6 weeks until radioactive iodine treatment. That is the scariest part to me. I’m going to be radio-active and have to stay away from everyone for a week. The doctors want my body to basically crash before the treatment so my body will soak up the radioactive iodine to kill any microscopic cancer cells left behind. Knowing I’m about to get really sick when I feel so good right now is really hard. I’ve been on the phone with 3 different doctors today trying to get all my questions answered. After I hung up with the last one I started crying and feel like a kid. I wish I didn’t have to do all of this. Deep down, I am really scared and don’t understand why. There are SO many side effects ahead (weight gain, everything tasting like metal for 3 months, possibility of losing my voice permanently, no saliva in my mouth, more cancer testing, extreme fatigue, nauseous, strict diet……..) Just having a hard day.  Our family is leaving town for 10 days. When we come home, I have 6 days until surgery. Most of those days are filled with doctor appointments and tests. God has been with me each day, I know He will continue to carry me but today I’m just wishing this would go away. His plans are perfect even though they don’t feel that way sometimes.